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“Progress should be the aim of any great society. People too often cling unnecessarily to obsolete w

MostafaMostafa Joined: 04/29/2018

“Progress should be the aim of any great society. People too often cling unnecessarily to obsolete ways of thinking and acting because of both a high comfort level and a fear of the unknown.”

 

Nowadays, big societies are measured, assessed and get respected by their economical progress, production, and benefit to the whole world. And those who still live in the past and don’t even seek an attempt to take a step and catch the fast-growing world, of course, are obnoxious societies, even to their own individuals. Many may argue that people are inclined to their own old traditions, cultures and being secure living the life they used to, but I believe that such intransigent people are no longer exist. Third World Countries already took an action and are moving forward to join the new era of the modern world. There are many compelling examples for such scenarios, either single individuals who made an unforeseeable remarkable feats as Martin Lutherking or big countries like Tukey, Malaysia, Singapore and many others...

To begin with, Turkey-the old land of the great Otthman empire, has been enervated in poverty, unstoppable military coups, inflation, unemployment and increased crime rate for decades. Turkish people wanted to make a difference and end this tragedy once and for all. This progress and development, albeit seemed unattainable, they managed to create the new Turkey we see now. There has been an on-going debate as to whether this unbelievable success is belonging to Mr. Erdogan or not! as far as I’m concerned I confess that Erdogan’s program had a deep effect on that success. However, without the willingness of his people, he wouldn’t be able to have such a comeback.

Another embodiment example is Singapore “The Lion city”. Mr. Lee, the country’s first prime minister is credited for transforming the island state from third world in 1960s to first by 1990s, from economical crisis, corruption, poverty and unenlightened state to the third highest economy in the world. His focus was on education and spending revenues generated from taxes on public education. I’d like to mention that again, without the tendentiousness of Singaporean people to pave their way and make a change, Lee’s efforts wouldn’t have the hoped-for benefit.

To shift to a great example of individual success, let’s consider that of Mr. Martin Luther King, America’s most influential civil rights activist. Lutherking wasn’t satisfied with the uncouth and injustice against black Americans. In 1955, Mrs. Rosa Park “mother of the civil rights war” was jailed for refusing to give up her bus seat to a white man. Martin availed the situation and organized a peaceful boycott which lasted for many years till the declaration of the end of social segregation. Thanks to both of them.

In summary, it’s true that every single human being and society should seek to become a better version than that of yesterday and to get out of the comfort zone, otherwise many challenges and obstacles are yet to come. The historical examples of Turkey, Singapore and marvelous individuals like Martin Luther king and Rosa Park bear this out. All faced the difficult situations and took an action to increased modernization and development.     

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  • Jonathan EvansJonathan Evans PowerScore Staff Joined: 10/31/2016
    Hi, Mostafa,

    Thank you for posting another essay. Let's discuss what's working and what isn't. Strong points:
    • Your examples are relevant and interesting 
    • The length of your essay is good. 
    • You vary your language and use transition words.
    • Your conclusion refocuses your essay and ties your examples into your thesis.
    Here are some areas for improvement:
    • Your thesis in your introductory paragraph is somewhat off-topic. There are two sides to this issue. Define them and then pick one. In this case, the two options are:
    1) "Progress should be the aim of any great society." OR 2) "Progress should not be the aim of any great society."

    If you pick the second option, you will need to decide either what should be the aim of any great society instead of progress or establish through your examples that different societies should have different aims. 

    This prompt also has a second statement you will need to address. The options are:

    1) "People DO too often cling unnecessarily to obsolete ways of thinking and acting because of both a high comfort level and a fear of the unknown." OR 2) "People DO NOT too often cling unnecessarily to obsolete ways of thinking and acting because of both a high comfort level and a fear of the unknown.”

    Pick which one of these two sides you wish to argue for and make it clear in your introduction. No matter which thesis you choose, you need to stick very closely to the topic as defined by the prompt. Do not go off topic. 
    • It is difficult to follow your train of thought at times. Bring me back to your thesis in every paragraph. If you are arguing that "People DO NOT too often cling unnecessarily to obsolete ways of thinking and acting because of both a high comfort level and a fear of the unknown," then remind me that this is your perspective in every paragraph. For instance, at the end of your Turkey paragraph, write something like, "Thus the example of the Turkish people's desire for change and progress demonstrates that when faced with a choice, people do not cling to obsolete ways of thinking."
    Don't leave this to the reader's imagination. Always make it clear how what you write relates to your thesis.
    • There are some issues with grammar, spelling, and word choice. For instance "uncouth" is not used correctly in your third body paragraph; "nowadays" is too informal; "Tukey" is misspelled; "king" isn't capitalized.
    These issues are all relatively minor, but all together unfortunately drag your essay down. 

    If I may suggest a short book that might help with your writing, consider checking out Strunk and White's "Elements of Style." It is a good primer on how to write persuasively and effectively.

    https://www.amazon.com/Elements-Style-Fourth-William-Strunk/dp/020530902X/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=0NJK17AGNXACP2YBDE67&dpID=51q3tYpGjnL&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=detail

    I hope this helps!



  • MostafaMostafa Joined: 04/29/2018
    Hi, MR.  Jonathan, 
    Thanks a lot for your priceless tips. 
    Do you think the remaining 20 days till the exam day would be enough to ameliorate my writing abilities?  or I have to reschedule my exam?  

     
  • Jonathan EvansJonathan Evans PowerScore Staff Joined: 10/31/2016
    I think it's fine, Mostafa! Work on your essays, but be sure you are adequately prepared for the rest of the exam. Consider devoting some time to vocabulary. You might find that the process of studying vocabulary also strengthens your writing skills. Here's PowerScore's Repeat Offenders Vocab List.
  • MostafaMostafa Joined: 04/29/2018
    I'll do that MR. Jonathan, Thank you. 

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